I've been walking around for the past week with the biggest knot in my stomach. I've not felt this way in about 10 years... it's not a nice feeling. As fuchsiadarling
quite rightly said, there's something about crushes that makes us feel perpetually sixteen years old and that's the reason for this horrible knot. I'd forgotten just how soul destroying unrequited feelings can be. After last week and my drunken ramblings to Adam on the train on the way home, things have been a little strained. Why do I never learn to keep my mouth shut? Why am I so intent on ruining the slight possibility that might exist here?
This is the current situation. Adam just wants to be friend but I think (I hope) he's just keeping his options open. He knows that he's not ready for a relationship - he doesn't want one right now - which is completely understandable given that he's just come out of one that didn't end well. I understand that and I want to wait until he is ready and I want to hope that when he is, it will be me that he wants that relationship with. But there's that voice, deep in the back of my mind, that tells me that if I was the one he wanted, he probably would be with me already. When you meet that person that you want something like that with, it takes a life of its own and all reason goes out the window. And I think that's what's fucking me up...
When Adam and I first met, there was a spark. We clicked. In so many ways. We txted all the time, and spoke on the phone for hours, and wanted to see each other as often as possible. It was great - it made me smile; it made me happy. Then, somehow, somewhere, sometime, it all just slowed. He withdrew and whilst he was still contacting me, and talking to me, and asking to see me, it was different. It was colder in a way. Nothing that I could actually pin down, but it certainly wasn't the way it was before. And it doesn't look like it's heading back that way any time soon.
I think now that initially it was rebound. Maybe I was the first guy he'd met since the breakup that he clicked with on any level over sex. Who knows. He's so tight-lipped about all this and I've never met someone so impossibly difficult to read. He's a total mystery to me - and that probably explains why I'm so smitten. I'm going to try to draw back and be his friend. I can't be dealing with all this emotional turmoil, and I really don't need to fall in love with someone who has no interest in me. That wouldn't be the best thing for me right now...
We're supposed to be going shopping together this afternoon... but so far he's not called me to arrange when... not a good sign, and I don't like the avenues my mind is taking me down.
16:23 ETA: Adam just called. He's just got in from his night out so basically he's blown me out for shopping today. I'm gutted. His phone died and he couldn't txt me to let me know and apparently the nderground was a mess due to a suicide at King's Cross. Still, I'm gutted.