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April 2007
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Tue, Apr. 17th, 2007 06:32 pm


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Thu, Mar. 22nd, 2007 08:35 am
Well, it's official.  I will be in Chicago between 18th and 25th April.  Woo-hoo!

I'm very excited about this for obvious reasons.  Apart from seeing the fabulous gympumpkinand violentfires, I will get to leave the country for the first time in what feels like forever and actually have a bit of a holiday.  Also the impending doom that is 30th will seem far less mammoth when I'm seeing with the aforementioned fabulous people, drunk off my arse on vodka.

I've also arranged to meet someone I've been chatting to for ages.  He's cute and hot and we get on well.  He stood me up twice before so I'm not holding my breath this time but hey, it's just coffee... so who knows - lol

So who's gonna be in Chicago on those dates and wants to help celebrate my old age?  C'mon, you know you want to!

Also, any American Airlines workers here that I could exchange sexual favours for an upgrade?  No?  Well, worth a shot.

Tags:
Current Location: bedrrom
Current Mood: tired tired
Current Music: BBC Radio 2

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Fri, Mar. 9th, 2007 08:37 am
In an attempt to update of sorts:



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Sat, Feb. 24th, 2007 12:48 pm
So in an attempt to avoid the impending doom that is my 30th birthday, I have decided to go to Chicago for the week. Helped primarily by the fact that flights are cheap at the moment, and my parents have agreed to pay for at least some of it as my birthday present. It will be so good to see mybrokennight and violentfires again! And anyone else that wants to be around that weekend, in Chicago, should, well, do something about it! My birthday isn't until the Monday but pffft, I'm not that jazzed about celebrating it anyway so does it really matter what day I do it on?

I've been ill this past week with the recidivist tonsillitis. Of course, because my stupid job doesn't pay sick pay I've been going into work everyday, despite temperatures of, probably 102 degrees. It wasn't fun. Thankfully, they let me go home early on Thursday and by Friday I was feeling much better, but still, I really shouldn't have been in work but I can't afford to lose the money by calling in sick. Stupid life.

I got a Get Well Soon card from A. today - which was sweet. A bit of a mind-fuck, but sweet nonetheless. We've not seen much of each other lately - primarily because I've been seeing a guy called Jack, and also because I'm 90% over it. I've actually accepted that he doesn't want me in that capacity, and well, fuck him then. It's his loss 'cause I'm wonderful - ha! I've been invited over to A's for dinner - by his mum - so that's where I'm off to tonight. It'll be the first time I've seen him in about three/four weeks, so that will be interesting.

Jack is a nice guy. He's totally hot and nearly my perfect type - physically - but I dunno, I just don't think we have enough in common. There's too much potential conflict there to make it work as anything more than what it is at the moment - which is a shame 'cause he seems to really like me. I dunno, it might have worked out if I'd given it a bit more effort but I just don't feel 'it' - whatever 'it' is. He's moving next week too - only to East London, but it's far enough to make it cost prohibitive for me to see him enough, and he doesn't drive which makes it even more difficult. I'm not the sort of guy that would shy away from making an effort to see someone, but with my financial resources being so very low anyway, it just seems like all the fates are conspiring against this, so who am I to argue?

I've volunteered with The Samaritans. I went for the information evening a few weeks ago, and on Monday night I'm going for the selection evening. I don't know exactly what that entails - probably some sort of interview - but in my mind I'm imagining a Blind Date type game-show affair... well it made me laugh! I've nixed the whole Mental Health Nursing thing primarily 'cause it's too expensive given that I would have to stop work for two years, and I have things to pay for - like my car - and well, it's not really what I want. It would be a sideways move and although it would be in the right field, it's not the right way to get into what I want to do. Instead, I've decided to keep working where I am - they have promised to increase my salary - and take a part-time counselling course and get into it that way. The courses start in September but I'm hoping my degree will allow me to skip a couple of the more basic courses and jump right into something stimulating. But that's a phonecall I have to make soon...

Tags: , , , ,
Current Mood: bored bored

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Fri, Dec. 29th, 2006 09:38 pm

There are several times of the year that I'm not exactly fond of - but by far the worst is New Year's Eve. I never have anywhere to go, I never have anyone to kiss, and it just feels like a harbinger of another year of impending doom and depression. It's really not the wonderful, fabulous, celebratory gift that everyone else seems to get. I know I must be missing something - it's my natural curmudgeonly nature I'm sure, but Shim Cities aside, I can't actually remember a decent New Year's Eve. All my hopes for New Year's Eve, however small, never amount to anything - they never come to fruition, and yes, it's most likely my own fault but really, nothing makes me feel more desperate, depressed, alone and empty than New Year's Eve.

This year is no exception. I'm alone, depressed, and have no-where to go this year. I didn't get what I really wanted for Christmas - and it doesn't look like I'll have it for New Year either, and I think I'm just gonna aim for bed before midnight.

Happy New Year folks, better get that in now, I'm not likely to be around to say it come midnight Sunday...

Current Mood: discontent discontent

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Sun, Dec. 17th, 2006 01:51 pm

I pinched this from _evening_rain_ 'cause it's cool... and I'm trying very hard to get into the Christmas spirit - failing miserably however - so, if you could give me anything in the world, what would it be? Help me out here guys.. the Grinch is getting hold...


my xmas stockingCollapse )

Tags:
Current Location: In my room
Current Mood: Not so Christmassy

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Mon, Oct. 2nd, 2006 08:25 pm
God, I've been so bad at updating this thing and even now I'm just here for a flying visit. Bullet-points are my friend:

* Wicked was amazing! Idina Menzel is a fucking goddess and I would spend all my money to see her in that show over and over again.

* A's about to start going through a really rough time. On hearing the news of this really rough time, he called me. The very first call he made was to me. I hate myself for feeling comforted by that but at the same time he knows I'll be there for him come hell or high water. I may have many flaws but I'm very proud to say I'm the sort of guy who'll drop everything to help out a friend if they need me to.

* Work is boring, but steady. There's a potential raise this month. But they're also moving me to another desk. This will suck 'cause I'm really fond of my manager whom I sit opposite. We have exactly the same sense of humour and we laugh all day long... bummer.

* I spent a fortune on The Sound of Music tickets but I think it'll be worth it!

* No matter which guys I meet, they all seem to not quite come up to scratch. I'm starting to hate my pickiness but I know it's the thing that will stop me from making any huge relationship errors (well, as much as anyone has any control over that). I guess they just don't tick as many of my boxes as 'you know who'...

* I miss my friends like an asthmatic would miss a lung. It makes it harder to breathe without them.

* I'm broke again, or I'd take a holiday to the Windy City.

* My Sims are having a more fulfilling life than me. I hate that.

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Mon, Aug. 21st, 2006 10:25 pm
My Interests Collage!Collapse )

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Fri, Aug. 4th, 2006 12:00 pm

but I'm not. It's weird; yesterday I was busy as hell and the time just flew by and today - nothing. I'm just sitting here in this over air-conditioned office wondering what I can use to make the time go quicker. I have an hour until lunch - we're going to Pizza Hut for their £3.99 buffet... I can feel my waistline expanding as I think about it. I really need to get my fat arse to the gym. I've been so lazy lately and it's really not good.

On Tuesday I went to see a psychic. It was an interesting experience to say the least. I'm still sort of digesting the information she gave me - lots of stuff about future education and changing jobs... some interesting stuff about relationships (or lack thereof) and some stuff about a relationship with a dark haired person that will be really bad. They're gonna bleed me dry and then dump me by all accounts... of course, now that I know this I'm only dating blondes... lol!

I'm off to the theatre tomorrow to see "The Last 5 Years" in London. It's a musical by Jason Robert Brown that I know very little about so I'm expecting to love it. I'm taking Adam - who I think will hate it - but hey, the tickets were only a tenner each so it's not that big a deal. Besides, getting to spend some more time with him is always a good thing from my point of view. We've seen each other more lately than we have in the recent past. We attempted to go to the cinema twice, and then went to the movies on Sunday to see "The Break Up" which was better than I expected; it did get a bonus for being set in Chicago. It's nice to spend time with him 'cause I enjoy his company a lot but I'm pretty much over the whole relationship thing with him. It's not going to happen between us and I've accepted that; it's still a disappointment because I still think it would have been pretty great, but given all the drama that happened at the beginning of June (something else the psychic mentioned), I think we've come to a place where a relationship probably wouldn't work. We've kinda gone too far and past the point of no return. Still, we get to be friends and that's a good thing. One day he'll realise just how fabulous I am and will regret his mistake - muhahahahaha.

I'm getting a bit bored with my life. I need to fill it with things to do. I want to learn to play the piano and the guitar. I want to start painting again. I want to go out more and hang out with some really good friends. I need a social life. These are things I need to work on and things I plan to work on. You guys need to kick me in the arse if I don't seem to be making any progress on these things...

I've been spending a lot of time with a guy, J. He's a nice guy and we hang out a lot, and chat, and have a bit of a laugh, and have great sex. We're just friends and I'm pretty sure there's no relationship potential there, but it's nice to have met someone new and to be able to just hang out and have fun... of course the sex is a bonus, but between you and me, I'm so over the random sex thing. I'm totally in a place to want to find someone great and have a relationship. Of course, that doesn't mean I'm going to jump at the first guy that shows any interest.. my standards on the relationship thing are dangerously high, but I'm content to wait until someone pushes the right buttons to make me go weak at the knees and want to spend that much time with them in a romantic sense.

Yes, I know I'm waffling randomly today but I really am very bored. I think it's because all the stuff that needed doing but the end of the month finished yesterday and now I'm literally hunting around for things to do. I suppose there's a load of invoicing I could be doing, but the program I need for that is being very flakey and keeps kicking me out. Maybe someone is trying to tell me not to do any work...

Given the fact that I generally don't talk about people I'm interested in on my livejournal using their real names (Adam was an exception), I'm tempted to go back to making everything public. The freak that was reading my journal and seemingly reporting everything back to Adam in a vindictive fashion won't have anything to report. The damage was done and the potential for a relationship over, so what's the point of hiding behind the friends only banner? I'll just go back to giving nicknames to people I talk about and then everyone is happy... lol. So yeah, this will be the start of a return back to the public posts. I was never really comfortable using the friends only thing... I like the idea of random people reading my journal and maybe, just maybe, liking me enough to add me as a friend. It's a way to meet new people... so in that vein, if you know anyone that's not on my friends list who you think would like me, then get them to add me :D Wow, how was that for shameless promotion!?

Okay.. time to try and do some real work... maybe I'll go make a cup of coffee first.. yeah.. caffeine is my friend. x

Current Location: Work
Current Mood: bored bored
Current Music: The whirring of forklifts in the warehouse

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Mon, Jul. 31st, 2006 07:59 pm

I've got two extra tickets for "Wicked" on Sept 30th, 2006 (opening weekend).. fourth row in the dress circle (that's the first tier up, so these are really good seats) - they're £69 each... does anyone want to buy them from me... if not, I'll have to send them back for a refund but these are good seats and I thought I'd offer them up to you lot... :)

Let me know as soon as possible if you want them...

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Sat, Jun. 10th, 2006 04:51 pm
Well guys... I so didn't want to do this, but some jerkoff decided to fuck around with my life and the lives of my friends based on stuff they'd read in my journal... so I'm afraid it's going to have to be friends only from now on. Don't suppose anyone wants to make me a banner? :D You'll get my love and respect in return.... *mwah*

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Mon, May. 29th, 2006 03:33 pm
I should probably try to update more. There's probably a lot I need to say but for some reason, lately, I just can't seem to get motivated to sit and write anything. This weekend is a Bank Holiday weekend.. which means we have Monday (today) off work. I have spent the last two days in bed with a fever running as high as 103 degrees. To say I've felt like shit is probably an understatement.

It all started on Saturday night. I drove down to Winchester (about one and a half hours away) to see a 'friend' who had txted me and said did I want to come down and.. erm.. well yeah, okay, it was a booty call. And yes, I'm whore-y enough to actually drive for that long just for some good sex - I should probably mention that he's 21, and looks like a young Justin Timberlake. But I digress... So, I drove down there and we ended up sitting in my car, in Sainsbury's carpark, while he told me all about all the problems he's having and how he never lets anyone get close to him. So of course, I listened and talked, and tried to show him that all his problems have a solution and that all he needed to do was cut himself some slack and tackle them one by one and everything would work out. So I drove for an hour and a half to do what I do best... I'm not sure what that says about me to be honest but I'm bloody sure it has something to do with Karma.

So.. the point I was trying to make... as I drove home I started to feel quite unwell - enough that I wasn't sure I was actually going to make it home. My head ached, I was cold and shivering, all my muscles hurt, my neck was stiff, and my skin was sore to touch. I got home, and pretty much went straight to bed. The following morning, Mum and Dad left to go to Cyprus for a week on holiday at 7am. I was still feeling pretty rough. I said goodbye without getting up and proceeded to feel crappy all day and all night. My fever finally broke around 10am this morning and I now feel 100% better than I did. I still have a nagging headache, and my throat is still sore when I swallow but I'm feeling so much better. Thankfully.

I think the most depressing thing was last night. I was laying in bed, and I'd just taken my temperature (103). I'd been drinking as much water as I could because it just felt like I was dehydrated all the time and all I really wanted was some Vimto. Of course, I was too ill to go to the shops and as I sat there, I realised there wasn't one person I could call who would come over and be with me. Adam was supposed to come over last night and watch movies.. however, we've been having some issues and I was fully expecting him to cancel on me.. which, of course, he did earlier in the day. Good job I suppose.

There's so much more I should update on.. so in order that I can actually be bothered to finish this entry, I'm gonna go with the bullet-point update:

* I got a job in March working for a Freight Company. Initially it was through a temp agency but they basically begged me to switch to working directly for them and offered me more money to do so - so I did. It's only a temporary contract (ends in July) but it's £15,000/year pro rata and allows me to look for a proper career.. which I'm trying to do. The job isn't too boring and the people are great. It's so much fun there so that's a blessing. But the company is being taken over by another company so there's lots of uncertainty at the moment. It's kinda stressful for everybody but to be honest, makes thing very interesting...

* Adam and I seemed to be going really well. Things seemed to be moving along nicely, and it seemed for a while that it might be moving in the direction I wanted it to. That all changed recently when we had a few deep and meaningful conversations that didn't go so well. Things now are very strained indeed, and he's basically avoiding me. This does not bode well as we are supposed to be going to Blackpool on Friday for his birthday. There's four of us going. I'm not really looking forward to it now. I have reason to believe that he's lied to me - he told me he had feelings for me but that he wasn't ready for a relationship and then I found out by accident from someone else that he told them he was looking for a relationship. If he'd just told me that he wasnt interested in me in that way then we could have avoided all this awkwardness. Now I fear I'm going to lose him as a friend too.

* There are two jobs I need to apply for. They're both at the Maudsley Hospital in South London. I don't think I'll get either of them, but I really need to start applying for as many jobs as I can.

* I've applied to volunteer with The Samaritans. I think this will be excellent experience for me and I hope they accept me.

* Despite having a job I'm still incredibly short of money. How does that happen? It's not really very fair. I'm even considering getting a second job in the evenings *sigh*

* I'm sure there's more stuff I needed to talk about but I can't remember for the life of me what it is... Hopefully now I've updated that I'll be able to get into the swing of updating again. I'm sure if I had internet access at work then I would update more frequently... but alas, I'll just have to try harder in future :)

Current Mood: sick sick

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Sat, Mar. 4th, 2006 02:57 pm
I've been walking around for the past week with the biggest knot in my stomach. I've not felt this way in about 10 years... it's not a nice feeling. As fuchsiadarling quite rightly said, there's something about crushes that makes us feel perpetually sixteen years old and that's the reason for this horrible knot. I'd forgotten just how soul destroying unrequited feelings can be. After last week and my drunken ramblings to Adam on the train on the way home, things have been a little strained. Why do I never learn to keep my mouth shut? Why am I so intent on ruining the slight possibility that might exist here?

This is the current situation. Adam just wants to be friend but I think (I hope) he's just keeping his options open. He knows that he's not ready for a relationship - he doesn't want one right now - which is completely understandable given that he's just come out of one that didn't end well. I understand that and I want to wait until he is ready and I want to hope that when he is, it will be me that he wants that relationship with. But there's that voice, deep in the back of my mind, that tells me that if I was the one he wanted, he probably would be with me already. When you meet that person that you want something like that with, it takes a life of its own and all reason goes out the window. And I think that's what's fucking me up...

When Adam and I first met, there was a spark. We clicked. In so many ways. We txted all the time, and spoke on the phone for hours, and wanted to see each other as often as possible. It was great - it made me smile; it made me happy. Then, somehow, somewhere, sometime, it all just slowed. He withdrew and whilst he was still contacting me, and talking to me, and asking to see me, it was different. It was colder in a way. Nothing that I could actually pin down, but it certainly wasn't the way it was before. And it doesn't look like it's heading back that way any time soon.

I think now that initially it was rebound. Maybe I was the first guy he'd met since the breakup that he clicked with on any level over sex. Who knows. He's so tight-lipped about all this and I've never met someone so impossibly difficult to read. He's a total mystery to me - and that probably explains why I'm so smitten. I'm going to try to draw back and be his friend. I can't be dealing with all this emotional turmoil, and I really don't need to fall in love with someone who has no interest in me. That wouldn't be the best thing for me right now...

We're supposed to be going shopping together this afternoon... but so far he's not called me to arrange when... not a good sign, and I don't like the avenues my mind is taking me down.

16:23 ETA: Adam just called. He's just got in from his night out so basically he's blown me out for shopping today. I'm gutted. His phone died and he couldn't txt me to let me know and apparently the nderground was a mess due to a suicide at King's Cross. Still, I'm gutted.

Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: Imagine My Surprise - Cast of Personals (London)

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Sun, Feb. 26th, 2006 04:15 pm

So I'm home from the night out that quite frankly I thought would never happen. I've been home a little while now but I've been waiting for the headache to subside before being able to formulate anything resembling coherence. My eyes are still sore and my head is still a little poundy, but I think that has more to do with dehydration and lack of food than it has to do with last night's debauchery.

The evening started well enough. I was to be at Adam's for five-ish, where I would take along three outfits and I would be guided in what would be the most suitable thing to wear. This was totally prompted by me and in fact was one of the conditions of me agreeing to go out last night. In the end however, I decided to find my balls and chose something myself, put it on, and figured it was okay. And it was. Score one for me. I was running late, so I scoffed down three slices of toast, and headed on over there. I got to Adam's and he was running late too, and he was eating pasta, and wasn't ready yet. So that was okay, it just meant I had more time to get a bit nervous about my impending doom. His mum was sweet though.. she said "don't worry, trust Adam" - which I do. Anyway, we finally got out of the house and onto the train and into London.

Our first stop was the Village, which is a bar on three levels in the middle of Soho. We met Alex (the pharmacist) who was a very nice bloke and we went in for a couple of drinks. I was freezing cold. I think it was a combination of the polar weather and nerves... suffice to say, I kept my jacket on.. it was a security thing. We had two rounds of drinks in there before moving on to a pub just next door (the name of which I've forgotten but it was some Duke or another) in order to see if the barman Alex was stalking was working... he wasn't... so we had another couple of drinks in there... Next stop.. The Friendly Society... I was convinced this was a Quaker Meeting House in the middle of Soho but no.. it wasn't.. it was a bar (even darker than the first two) that had glass cases on the wall with various Fairy detergent products on show, goldfish bowls with fish, surrounded by various Barbie dolls, and a projector showing an episode of Wonder Woman, an episode in which Wonder Woman deals with Nazis apparently. This bar didn't serve 'alco-pops' (bastards!) so I had to have pernod and orange.. it was strong and expensive and in hindsight, not the best choice to mix with the previously consumed vodka. Sadly for Adam it was his round, and ended up paying a mortgage payment for a round of drinks...

It was at this time I txted mybrokennight and violentfires with my random drunken rantings. So apologies ladies :) I'd had about four Smirnoff Ices, and a pernod and orange at this point, on a practically empty stomach. I was fairly drunk. Clearly, by the subsequent event, I was fairly drunk. We left the expensive quaker place and walked up the street past the theatre that is currently showing Mary Poppins. We started to queue. We were queueing for G-A-Y Bar.. yes that's right gentle reader, I was taken to G-A-Y Bar... and I seemingly went, willingly, without much coercion. It was my round so after we all went to the loo (no, not in a dirty way) we went upstairs and I bought the drinks. We stood around chatting for a bit, and drinking... and then we moved into the crowd a bit... another round was purchased (I think) and then something odd happened. Adam basically made me dance with him. And I did. For quite some time... then we moved downstairs again, bought more drinks, and Adam and I danced some more... I can't quite believe myself as I write this.. that I danced in public in G-A-Y Bar.

Holy fuck!

Sadly we had to leave early to catch the last train home. That sucked because I didn't want to leave. I was having too much fun. And being with Adam made it so much more enjoyable. On the way home on the train I pretty much asked him if I was wasting my time being interested in him. I told him that I understood completely that he's not in the right place for a relationship.. and he basically said, in a roundabout sort of way that no, if he wasn't still dealing with the breakup then I wouldn't be wasting my time. I told him that he's the first guy in two years that I could see myself having something more long-lasting with... so as far as I was concerned he was worth the wait.. I'm not holding my breath, but I remain cautiously optimistic. In the meantime, we'll just be friends and I'll hope that either he and I become more than friends in the future, or our relationship will naturally become more friend-based. Obviously the former would be preferred, but we shall see... I think the most important thing to take away from all this is that I danced in public in G-A-Y Bar. Oh yes, I did.

Current Mood: amazed

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Sat, Feb. 25th, 2006 04:30 pm

Clearly not! Last night Adam and I went to the gym to swim and asked me to join him and his friend Alex tonight in London, at a bar.

I agreed.

Those of you who know me well will know just how big a deal this is for me. The panic that has been setting in since last night is quite epic. Despite the obvious drama of what the hell I'm going to wear, I also have to deal with my fear of looking bad in front of people I don't know - and futhermore I have to deal with being around Adam - my crush on whom is immense - but I guess it's too late to get out of it now. So despite the fact that I am broke and cannot afford to go out, I'm going just because he asked me... even though he's not interested in me... hence the title. The snippet of lyrics below kind of explain things... and wish me luck!

Is there anything more sexy
than an Apathetic Man?
What could possibly more set
your soul on fire than a
man whole holds you to him,
and with eyes of darkest brown
looks right through you with
a complete lack of desire?

Current Mood: nervous nervous
Current Music: Apathetic Man - Goldrich And Heisler

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Tue, Feb. 21st, 2006 04:58 pm

This was scarily accurate!Collapse )

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Mon, Feb. 20th, 2006 02:42 pm

Nicked from punkbassoon

Which Star Trek Character Am I?Collapse )

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Tue, Feb. 14th, 2006 03:07 pm

So today is Valentine's Day. To sum up my life at present, instead of having a date on Valentine's Day, I have a cold sore. That pretty much covers my life right now.

Current Mood: fuck!

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Thu, Feb. 2nd, 2006 08:09 pm

So i've been out of work for just over a week now, and despite the obligatory things I've had to do for the Official Receiver, I'm already very bored! There is only so much one can play of Battle for Middle Earth and The Sims 2... that being said, my Sims are starting to bother me - he has a better social life than I do. I find myself living vicariously through him... and that's not good. I sent him bowling the other night on a date... he had a great time and all I could think was why is it not ME bowling on a date!?

The problem is I really want to go get a job - not only for the obvious financial perks, but it feels like I'm waiting around for my life to start. Like somehow, getting a job will allow me to start getting some kind of social life, and that's what I want. I feel like I'm at some very crucial turning point in my life right now... the very fact that if someone (let's call him, erm, Adam) asked me to go to a bar (read: gay bar) I would probably go.. once I'd dealt with my worry about what the hell I was going to wear! That, as those of you who know me well, is a huge step for me. Once I'm over that hurdle, the next big fear is the whole nightclub thing.. and then, the whole dancing thing.. and then, well, to be honest once those steps are out of the way, if I haven't dealt with my crappy self-image, therapy here I come!

The other advantage to going out to work means that I'd be able to meet people and get some more friends... friends who are local, and with whom I can socialise. See, I'm cursed with the best friends a person could wish for... they truly are awesome with one small exception.. several thousand miles. It makes 'living' all that more difficult.

I'm grappling with my problems though. I know I have the worst timing when it comes to meeting someone, and I think that this time round it wasn't helped by the fact that I've now been alone for two years. I had a 'Bobby' moment.. I'm ready.. but the timing isn't right... such is my luck. Still, I decided that I should pull back and just see what (if anything) happens. If nothing does, then I'll just have to chalk it up to experience... but if it does, I have a feeling it could be great. Here's hoping, eh?

Current Mood: reflective

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Tue, Jan. 31st, 2006 05:41 pm
I have the best best friend in the whole wide world! *hick*

I love you too! Let's not leave it 34 years, eh? *mwah*

Current Mood: happy loved

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Mon, Jan. 30th, 2006 03:57 pm

So I've been thinking about this song... and wondering what my Personals Ad would say. But I suck, and I can't do it... so here's the question... are you bored enough to write a Personals Ad for me? You have 15 words, two lines. Comment with your personals ad for me, and I'll reply with the same... oh.. and listen to the song ;)

Current Mood: curious
Current Music: Nothing To Do With Love - Cast of Personals (London)

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Sat, Jan. 28th, 2006 03:38 pm

Old FriendCollapse )

Current Mood: melancholy melancholy
Current Music: Taylor, the Latte Boy - Kristin Chenoweth

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Mon, Jan. 23rd, 2006 11:26 pm

So I go to court tomorrow to file my bankruptcy papers. We had a last-ditch effort to try and juggle the figures but to no avail. So tomorrow I go and basically ruin my life for a few years. I'm dreading it but I know that it will also bring me some relief. Still, I may be away from a computer for a while... but we'll see.. who knows, right? See you on the flip side...

Current Mood: nervous

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Fri, Jan. 20th, 2006 10:07 am

goes to.. me! I file for bankruptcy on Monday.

That is all.

Current Mood: blank blank

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Mon, Jan. 16th, 2006 01:56 pm
So yesterday was not a good day. I felt very down and totally out of sorts. I was alone a lot yesterday so I was thinking way too much and I ended up driving myself crazy with the whole Adam thing. I think it's fairly clear to me that he's just not interested in a relationship of the romantic variety. It could be because of his recent break-up, it could be because he's just not interested in me, or more likely a combination of the two. The fact that I was so wrong-footed by him meeting the GAY-number guy yesterday, and the fact that I was thinking about potential consequences made me realise that yes, I like him a lot.. and yes, I would like a relationship with him, and yes, I've been on my own too long. I feel better today, but I need to go back to my resolution to take a step back from all this. I'm hoping yesterday was just the culmination of a bad week coupled with me coming down with some kind of illness. I was suffering the ill effects of stress and I lost my mind a bit. Writing all this down is making me feel a bit better. I'm pretty sure this was a one-off and going forward I will feel better about it all. I know he's going to meet people other than me, so accepting it should be a better option that driving myself nuts.

So that was my day. It was bad. Today has been better despite feeling a bit crappy health-wise. Oh well, onwards and upwards.

Current Mood: blah

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Sun, Jan. 15th, 2006 03:10 pm

Don't you hate it when you ask questions of a person just to be friendly and 'interested' and you end up hearing something you didn't want to? That happened to me today. I'm sure you can all imagine what I'm talking about... When you ask what someone is up to today, you don't really expect them to tell you they're meeting someone who gave them their number in a bar a couple of nights ago. Or maybe you do expect it. Maybe I'm just naive and stupid. Yeah, that must be it. Need to deal with this and not get all bummed... it's just another life experience to teach me how stupid I am, right? Right?? YSLE!

Current Mood: pissed off pissed off
Current Music: Love Is Hell - Ryan Adams

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Fri, Jan. 13th, 2006 12:07 pm
I'm having an insecure day today. I don't know why but I'm doubting my ability to survive. The financial situation is dire to say the least. It's really very bad and nothing I do seems to improve it. Ugh. I'm sure it will sort itself out but I'm so tired of it all.

The other weird thoughts I'm having are about how interesting I am. Because my life is so boring nothing very exciting ever happens which means I don't ever feel like I have anything to talk about that people want to hear. Sure, I can talk about pretty much anything, but I'm paranoid that I'm just way to serious about everything... ugh, I hate feeling like this - thank fuck it doesn't happen too often.

I think a lot of this has to do with the fact that although Adam and I are 'seeing each other' it's not in any way exclusive. He went out last night meeting someone he's been talking to on gaydar. I'm being irrational here I realise that - I just need to get it out of my system and then I'll feel better. 'Cause I know Adam came over to the shop yesterday to bring me lunch, which was incredibly sweet. And when he told me he was meeting this Alex guy he did qualify it by telling me that he messaged him because in his profile pic he had cool glasses and at the time Adam was looking for new glasses. He also said that he wasn't attracted to Alex and that they were just chatting and meeting for drinks. So I know I'm just being stupidly insecure today. In fact, while I've been writing this, I've been txting Adam and I casually asked how it went meeting Alex last night and he said it went really well and they got on really well and then he said "and the nice thing was no attraction on either side" which he didn't need to say, but he did, which has to be a good sign.

Okay, clearly I need a Gilmore fix and more coffee and I'll be fine.

Current Mood: insecure

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Thu, Jan. 12th, 2006 11:57 am

Went out to the gym with Adam last night. Spent most of the time in the jacuzzi and sauna. We're 'seeing each other' which hold no committment, no promises, but there is definite potential. He told me that if he was further along than he is (in his post-breakup recovery) then we'd pretty much be going out. This is hopeful.

I officially came out to my mother last night. Disappointed.

That is all. I now need Lorelai.

Current Mood: blank blank

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Wed, Jan. 11th, 2006 12:13 pm
I've succumbed to the longish days with little to actually do. Sometimes, it's very quiet in the shop so I've taken to downloading tv programmes from edonkey and watching them on the computer here. I have managed to get up to date with the US schedule for both Medium and Grey's Anatomy and have started downloading Without A Trace. I'm afraid my willpower has been fairly poor as I've just started downloading episodes of the latest season of Gilmore Girls. I tried very hard to wait until the series started again on Hallmark, but I miss my girls way too much. Especially with all the potential in my life at the moment, I think I need them and I need them now.

Speaking of the potential, things got a little weird over the last couple of days. It all started because Ryan, one of Adam's best friends, asked me if I wanted to come over and meet and have a chat 'cause we'd both had fairly crappy weeks. I said sure, but we both thought it would be wise to tell Adam that Ryan and I were meeting. The problem was that we both txted Adam simultaneously which made it look a bit weird. The most annoying thing about this whole scenario is that Ryan and I were meeting quite innocently. We'd been chatting online for a couple of days (we'd previously chatted online before I even met Adam but that was ages ago) and we just wanted some company and someone to talk to. There was nothing to feel guilty about but we both felt if Adam 'found out' that we'd met, it would look bad. The irony being that in trying to protect both mine and Ryan's relationship with Adam, I think we actually made it worse. Which sucks.

So that was bad. Anyway, Adam and I arranged on Monday to meet last night... but I got a txt from Adam first thing on Tuesday morning saying that he was cancelled to go out for a drink with Ryan. I was a bit gutted and decided that I should pretty much chill out about this whole situation. What with his rebound issues, I figured I needed to protect myself from falling for him in any sense... yes, I like him and I like spending time with him but I need to take this slowly for both mine and his sakes. Anyway, I get a txt last night from Adam saying he's had a crappy night, and that he was going to call me but now he just wants to go to bed and he'll txt/call me tomorrow (today). We'll see what happens. I found out that Ryan ditched Adam to persue a guy he likes who also has rebound issues.

Ryan called me at midnight last night to chat about his whole Seb issue. They've decided to just be friends because Seb is too scarred from his previous relationship. Obviously Ryan had pissed off Adam, knew he'd treated him badly, so called me instead to talk about his problems. I don't mind that - peoples' problems are my thing, so it was all cool.

I guess I'll find out where Adam and I stand - well, sort of - later today when (if?) he calls me. I'm not chasing after him anymore though... if he wants me (and why the hell wouldn't he ;)) then he needs to chase me for a change. If he doesn't - if he's not in the right place for that - then I guess we'll just be friends, but that would be a shame. He's the first boy I've met that seems to be real potential boyfriend material so it would be a shame if the rebound thing really got in the way. The idea of being with him has been enough to make me plan to come out to my parents this year so I think that's a pretty good sign.

Current Mood: confused confused

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Sun, Jan. 8th, 2006 01:26 pm

.. just a quick update for those of you interested. I've been out with Adam a couple of time now - date number four was on Friday when I went over to his house and we just chilled, watched Catherine Tate on DVD, and kissed a bit. It was nice. I'm still very much in limbo as far as he's concerned 'cause I don't want to push anything given his recent break-up. I'm trying very hard not to overthink it too much... I would be lying if I hadn't thought about him being my boyfriend - he is certainly qualified for the position - and I am very much in favour the the idea, but we need to give it time to grow. I don't want to go jumping into anything too quickly. He admitted that there's potential there, but so far, we (as a 'we') remain undefined.

But I like him.. and he seems to like me.. watch this space

Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: Still EP on BBC-R2

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